Bumped The Trinket

Well, I am a novice i.e. for the sake of not self incriminating myself have never shot a gun. That being said a friend asked me to go to the firing range which I am extremely excited about. He told me where and what to buy for ammo. Seems simple right? Wrong! So yesterday I take the Harley to go buy my ammo. I figure let me go to Attleboro it’s close by. I get in there and their is a guy behind the sporting goods dept counter I tell him what I need and he responds with, ” sure thing.” “Can I have your Federal I.D. Card.” I’m like, “uh, my what”. “Oh yea, you need blah blah blah blah.” Long story short FAIL…

Fast forward to today… I get up hop on the bike and go to Providence Walmart as that is the closest one. I get in there and look around the store for sporting goods. I go there and there is not a soul around. The ammo is not visible anywhere…. “Ok. it’s locked up somewhere’. I think to myself. I go to the nearest dept Home and Garden. I explained my situation to the nice lady there and she said no worries i’ll page someone.” 20 mins has now transpired since I’ve walked into the store. No human ever shows in Sporting Goods. Back to the lady…. “Um, miss can you help me I need to buy some ammo since the page didn’t work.” “Oh, I can’t leave my post…” Boom… wrong sentence you just said lady… “what? you can’t leave your post to help a customer?” are they afraid someone is gonna run off with a fuckin’ rake?” “Who’s the manager of this shithole?” ” Huh?” WalmartTroll replies. Emphatically, I respond, ” Who is the manager of this shithole establishment that pays it’s employees like 6 bucks an hour to guard the rakes?” “Oh his name is Chris”, she replies. “Good my name is Chris too and I can’t wait to talk to this fine gentleman.” WalMart Troll pages asshole Chris the manager.(I know i’m being presumptuous) 15 more mins goes by and y this time I pulled up a lawn chair in the store and sit right in the aisle next to WalMart Troll (queen of the rake guarders). We get to talking and I apologize for being a bit uncouth before 10am. She says no worries and I feel better about myself for at least apologizing. I go on to ask her half rehtorically, “why the eff don’t they have 500 of you minions of horror walking around with your blue pinnies and way to much fuckin’ fleer on to assist customers?”….. She goes into a long diatribe about how they are understaffed and a lot of people call out in the summer etc etc. I listen half heartedly, as I contemplate striking up a potentially more fruitful conversation with the weedwacker assembly not hanging far from where I am perched in my lawn chair waiting for my man “Chris” the manager…. So finally, here comes a guy in a tie with walkie talkie and earpiece and right away I know it’s gonna go all bad… Not because he was English as a Second Language guy or the fact that he had to make me wait an additional 5 mins while he went to go get a key for the sporting section to get my ammo. Nope, it went all bad when he got into a conversation as to why it was understaffed.. people calling out etc etc. “Listen Mr. pass the buck manager Chris” Just get my ammo! “Ok”, he replies. “Oh wait I don’t see any in here.”, as he unlocks the case. Then another ESL(english as a second language) comes over and the manager asks, “Hey do we carry ammo here?” The fuckin’ manager of the store doesn’t even know what they sell in the store he manages. Guy#2 “what’s ammo?” I’m like, “Are you guys trying to fuck with me right now?” “no sir, oh you mean like bullets right.” Guy#2 replies… Yes, “Like bullets.” “Yo sí quiere comprar las balas” I reply. (factually I didn’t know the right congegation of “comprar” but work with me here. Oh no we don’t carry those Guy#2 goes. “ha, you guys are fuckin’ somethin’ else I tell them.”

I ask what Walmart is not gonna make my heart explode with anger that sells “las balas”? “Johnston”… they reply. “ok,thank you”, “gracias”. I walk away so I don’t die of anger and have another meltdown. I purchase a Gatorade on the way out (Walmart Wins). And leave the store.

I get to Johnston store 20 mins later due to reasons beyond my control. I go in make a B-Line (insert Dane Cook joke here) to the Sporting Goods Section. I see no WalmartTrolls with blue fleer pinnies. I am prepared for battle. If this doesn’t work I’ll drive to fuckin CT at this point since I’m so close. Then I think to myself, “I don’t have my helmet and not sure what the helmet law is there.” Although, in retrospect I think you don’t need one. Then I realize i’m unsure of the the laws of interstate transporting of ammo… “Eff it i’m diggin’ in for a battle right here at this store I must get it accomplished here!!” , I say to myself. So I talk to an old man who tells me that the world is going to shit and that they are taking all our rights from us. I concurred and then went in search of a manager. Since Sporting Goods had no Trolls around. I get to the front of the store 10 more mins have passed they can’t find a manager… “oh wait he doesn’t get here until 1130″ the lady that is in the complaint podium near the register tells me. “Ok, now what?” I say. all the while a old semi senile cashier is asking me “all you need is a key made?” ” Janice why can’t you get him a key made?” Finally, we are again at least 20 mins into another WalMart experience and the lady says, “I’ll have my son open it up for you.” um, ok so you’ve indoctrinated your son into $6 per hour lifestyle too? I think to myself.The kid ends up being really nice but totally unaware that he is a slave I think. As we cross the floor for a third time to the way back corner where they sell all the real mans stuff not the women’s shit that is all geared to the front of the store he was tells me he is running the whole store until 1130 when “Mongo Jerry Manager arrives”. This kid is like 18 and I totally believe him, as he had six people calling on his walkie talkie for assistance as he was helping me. He also told me that they cut everyone’s hours and just give them lump sum checks of $200 quarterly to make up for the hours they are fucking the full time employees on. I refused to engage in further compensation convos at that point with the Evil Empire or there highly educated staff… he offers to sell me shotgun shells I tell him no, that I would have just grabbed ooff the shelf that i need 9mm that is locked in your gay lil display case. He looks befuddled at this point and Then he says, “just come around and pick out whatever you need right out of the display case.” Totally a violation of every possible law know to man in the state of RI and Federally I am sure I obligie. I start sorting through till I find what I want. He offers to sell me 10 boxes and I calmly tell him that I’d love to but legally I think he can only sell me 6 and I don’t want him losing his lucrative employment over selling a crazy SOB like myself 4 too many boxes of ammo. The whole checkout process was an abortion as well but I can’t bring myself to right about it… By the time I left I had 4 other gun owners I have to imagine that had walked out with me making small talk about ammo etc. and how good a price i got on the ammo. I told them it was only a good price if it hadn’t taken 4 hours including travel time over a day and a half and 70 dollars and half a tank of gas for my harley.